My online friend, “Jacquie”, is very inspirational; coming from a background of feminism, anti-Christian beliefs and pornography, she went through a conversion, and is now something of a digital evangelist. I asked for her testimonial, which is featured here, and which reveals a lot of suffering in her life, but also healing and great hope. Thank you “Jacquie” for sharing your story with us here.
My story of freedom from pornography and much much more.
From the moment of conception to the time when we die there are expectations placed upon each one of us to look a certain way, to behave in a certain way or to be what others want us to be.
The world’s idea of self worth is very different to God’s idea.
The world says, “I am who others say I am - based on what I can do, how I look and how much I contribute to society - that equals my worth.”
Whereas the Christian Creator God has a different set of rules: “What I am plus WHO I AM says I am, equals my worth.”
This was most definitely the case with me. From a young age I was always trying to be loveable, to be noticed, trying to scramble for love. My parents tried but they were pretty screwed-up human beings who were desperate for love and acceptance themselves. Both my mother and father were angry, and so discord, violence and a sense of threat were also a part of my unravelling family life. Since my parents were not able to provide me with my basic needs, I decided I was going to get my attention and affection from outside sources.
I was sexually abused in some rather strange and sadistic ways by a family member and and as a result, started acting out sexually with my peers from a very young age. My sexuality was awakened way too early and I also masturbated chronically as a child. I felt afraid, unaccepted, unloved and like a plaything for adults. I was filled with shame and always so scared people would find out about my home life and my young sexual addictions.
To add insult to injury, I also had learning disabilities and acted out in class in frustration, annoying the teachers no end; I now think I was just desperately crying out for help.
At around the age of 12, I tried to start getting the attention of boys, as girls my own age were either jealous of my looks or just thought I was a plain dummy or a weirdo. In about year 7, I was exposed to pornography through the boys in my street. The boys were looking at pictures of Samantha Fox and they were virtually drooling on the page.
I think it was then I realised the power I could hold over young men with my sexuality. I started to think about what I looked like, how tan I was, how my hair looked, how my bottom and breasts and legs looked, and as soon as I started to become aware, even walked differently. I finally had the attention I had desired for so long. Although this went on from my teens into my early 20’s, my nominally Christian background stopped me from sleeping around.
When I was 19, I moved in with a bloke as my flatmate. This bloke was very much into pornography; he was something of a voyeur. For me with my issues of loving to be watched, it was a perfect match. He was very shy and gentlemanly and after a few months of this I ended up seducing him. That ‘bloke’ and I have now been together for 21 years and married for almost 14 years.
Release from Bondage
Once the initial honeymoon was over his perving and porn used to drive me crazy; I was incredibly insecure and jealous. So in the end I became his porn star, dressing the way he wanted me to, having sex with him however he wanted to, adding sex toys and pornography to our sex life. I was extremely depressed, suicidal, unemployed and going nowhere.
That day, I was having my morning shower and I heard an almost audible voice say “Come back to church, I want to clean you up.“
So I listened to that voice and told my counsellor, who recommended a church to me; since that day I have never looked back and the Lord has been ‘cleaning me up’ ever since.
The Holy Bonfire
One night at church we had a holy bonfire and I took in the pornography, clothing, sex toys etc and put them on the fire. I committed myself to God and I have never watched another pornographic movie or dressed up, or engaged in unsafe sex practices since.
My husband is not a Christian and still engages in all the old behaviours and it is a miracle of the Most High God that we are still together and even that I love him. I pray that he, too, will let the Lord clean him up one day.
For anyone reading this who is still in bondage to this kind of thing, I just want to say God can release you just as He did me.
I, too, was a very messed-up sex-addict who got my worth from how I looked and how much others appreciated that, but bit by bit God has set me free. I believe he can set you free and I believe that one day he will set my husband free and heal our marriage.
May the living God bless you on your journey out of sexual bondage.
In Jesus’ name.
Amen.
“Jacquie.”
Thanks again to “Jacquie” for sharing her story.
Do you use a filtering and accountability service to protect your family from porn? I do, and I encourage you to do the same. I recently became an Affiliate for Covenant Eyes because I was concerned about the easy access to pornography provided by the internet.
Use this link to go to the Covenant Eyes website, and if you sign up for their services, I will receive a small payment which will go towards the upkeep of this website.
